Alchemisland

Faecal masterpiece proves fatal to its creator

Two cleaners who arrived later also died

To no one’s surprise, its scent provoked tears in eyes

Solid, tough guys who had investigated grizzly crimes

Coughed up slime and took time out for therapy rounds

It’s like an elastic band inside me snapped in half

Halfway through a tangent, sweating be right back

Clenching, wetness in unmentionables, should eat more vegetables

Fiver says he needs more fibre, this speed demon has no driver

I’m crying, creating a brown river for toilet ducks to live in

I won’t be forgiven for what I’m shidding, do it be farting? Yes

It sounds like an elephant walking across bubble wrap in there

Is everything OK? Do you need a hot towel or palliative care?

I cannot speak only stare forward, waiting for an end to the horror

Pray to Horus for a moment’s pause, non-stop chorus outpouring

Gimli’s beard brown drowns out all other sounds, man down

And I don’t mean Greg Davies or the Irish county

Bent forward like I was pulling a plough, feel like I’m birthing a cow

All my waters burst at once, an unbroken link of shit spirals out

By this point the word must be out, door paramedics pounding

‘Engaged’ I say weakly they don’t believe me, tackle practice

Door lock rattling, I’m struggling to get pants up

I spy the first guy’s face, it’s handsome, he passes out

Drowned by brown miasm, second starts spasming on the ground

Pleading, anal bleeding, world war threeing out the ronseal-needing

Sheriff badge, shit but it feels like peeing

Rusty water slaps the bucket bottom

Musty, musky smells of pan-fried condom

And rotten meat, backstreet perfume

Junkie pooh, smelled like someone burnt a hundred bags of dog doo

Ass drier than Dune wiping, noises Viking facing a pikeman about to strike.