Alchemisland

What I write so outrageous I have to tear out the page

Outbid for the house sale

Get out, rid us of your view

Don’t ridicule your granny’s religious views while we eat food

Need little and less of what you’re selling

My cellar floor still settling, powder looks like pepper

Methylene, a meth dream of not quite clean cash

Release my breath as I release the meth to the streets

Received my degrees at the lodge last Wednesday

One rule: only bangers

No stopping, Bagenalstown to Ballyogan

Baggins how I go there and back again

Smoke stowed in the back

New types of smoke poked at in my lab, alembics and all of that

Smokeshow texts, seems keen for sex so I shoot back yes

She’s here the next minute like I had texted yes yesterday

She’s in furs like a Venus, she’s enforced like lockdown for a virus

No chance she’s purely Irish, look at those caterpillar eyebrows

She pays for her taxi

Nothing about her is classy, she refers to him as a paki

I can tell she’s here for clout, and snout; glassy eyes

I can tell it wouldn’t fit if I slipped on a glass slipper for size

Think I got the ugly sister, desperate for a sip she’s underdoing my zipper

She’s asking where’s the shitter like a first-time babysitter

I light a bifter, then go around lighting candle wicks, flickering light

When fingering, so wet and so much Sarlaac suction you might lose a finger ring

Move them Apache boxes over and sit down

Defo I’m getting my hole but I like to get to know first

She’s not shy showing me her thirst

She eyes the class A prizes on the table like cards fanned for divining

She sits beside me all smiles then commits the first cardinal sin

Taking out a selfie stick and leaning in

Before she can complete it I nudge her wrist to fudge focus, do you realize

How much green I’ve got in this gaff? She just laughs

I’m starting to wonder, putting on my thinking cap

Is she worth all of that? She’s a lash but empires collapse, and fast

Every single one of them from history tell us that, if you paid attention in history class

I guess it’s too late to be asking now, she’s here and I’m basking in her radiance

Randy as from the grenade-shaped pills we ate

Haunted by Shane-o and Sinead comes on Shuffle; I tell her skip it and we’ll scuffle

I wanna be haunted by the ghost of your precious love

I wanna be left to my oven and stretch marigold glove

All things above I fail to covet, I’m more Hobbit, living below

It’s a hole but it’s cosy, more brazzers mosey out than Sarkozy’s pad

Rabbitshagging this calendar

Some of them with a John Wayne gait, fanny like a wine stain

Turned her around, wasn’t long finding an alternate route; rain won’t ruin my parade

Blasting rave doing anal having spent all day taking whacked-out MDMA 

Took some straight, gummed or snorted, the rest we sprinkled into laced drinks

Glazed eyes, you don’t need to share her mind to sense she’s crazy

A few cans short a sixer, a few miles behind

She’s a pretty picture and sucks the prick off me

She takes the brick off me, daughter of a preacher

How generously she gives a reacharound

I’m like a creature, probably a hound, trying to reach meat secreted inside a treetrunk

Sucked so hard I’m pretty sure I lost height, my eyes sunk

In between blowies she was happy showing, singing and getting crunk

That hoop was getting thrun around the room like the ball during donkey

She said I had the balls of a donkey, they were that long, and wonky

From the back her black satin makes a Y, basically assless

I can imagine her fearlessly grasping an asp before Actium

She treats me like the Paddy version of Marc Antony

Sure, until tonight we were randoms but this is still a grand passion

Afterwards, we talk about blue ghosts

She tells me that’s the deepest anyone ever poked her throat

I know she’s just courting votes but I won’t veto the quote

She induces me to gloat, she’s slender but I sense rot, secret bloat

I asked whether she voted, she answers no without looking away from her toes

Her dress a nest of flowers, she’s obsessed with followers