Alchemisland

Thorin Oakenshield, hoping to claim Arkenstones but overstoned

Thorn breached my side because I moved my shield aside

Holding trees without thorns, no oak, smoke as from a dragon’s nose

Cloaks where we need to be going, trees growing, spores floating

In the air because no windows are open, I breach an old oak’s nose

Fiddling inside beyond the brindled epidermis

Eternity spent turning this painful wheel, a barbarian made

Having traipsed across red sands, battled pirates and bandits

Duelled frost giants, slew pig-worshipping priests from Atlantis

Now settle upon my throne, gold my casket’s metal

All Aquilonia my own, in my hold, roll back the treaty

Roll open the vast map of enemy lands, treating

My commanders to glimpses of my battle tactics

Presence commanding, use a stick instead of my hands

To push model tanks to the back, poised to flank

Flac attack when I lit my jigjag, fiery rain not acid falling into my lap

Blunt holes in all my glad rags, god knows when I’ll pass that habit

All my habits lifelong, I was the weird kid 

Other kids watching Teletubbies, asking mummy for Mercurial Vapors

I was reading about sacred numbers, Big Meg what was Dredd up to

Love revenge but dread conflict

Hit the wrong button, flick to a channel hosting skin flicks

Addicting to clicking leaks of celebrity tits, most visited site Mr Skin

I want Sue Perkins doggy posed with a butt plug in, Paul Sinha

Ass getting fingered by known delinquent Philip Schofield

Go figure he was known to be a diddler, same with Diddy

Why these shady figures fail to get fingered until they’re over sixty

150 reports of misconduct, getting longer

Sexual abuse, allegations coming in the mail like letter chains

Ate more males than a life in jailer, than an alligator used to human tastes

Bad humoured because it’s balmy overhumid, I take two to take it away

Eyes blue but red flecked since 2010 when I found what mends me

Now completely dependent, take out the red pen to strike out your name

Upon your death the debt passes onto the next, hope you left the missus a chunk

Or location of a safehouse bunker, non-stop hunger but I’m not a chunker

Smart cunt but flunked every exam I took, fool of a Took, shook at Gondor

When I do a boot in that’s gone door, outdoor flat from here on out

7 UP flat passing my mouth when my snout is crowded with green allowance

Stops me doing powder at least for an hour, hard to avoid loud in the traphouse

It’s growing out, huge fronds stank like rude pongs, police sirens won’t be long

Few bees considering all the pollen, politburo knocking, want a nickel bag for Stalin

King of stalling at doorways while the boys whisk away kays, rizz for days

Have a grave-faced officer laughing, you’d be amazed how quick I pass them

Over and master them, mind beaming out rays most mortal minds cannot take.