Alchemisland

Can’t pass guard, too much lactic acid in my arms

Can’t get hard, too much insantic passion in my cranium

Need new combats but too fatigued to fire up the camo jeep

Djeep lighter speaking to me from the desk I write at

The devil’s mess I make that, then I write that

No takebacks, tip the can I catch you, said you had tax

Fingers crossed behind your back, no neifenbach I lack

Rats in the walls in my Lovecraftian flat in Ballybrack

Used to drink in Ballaly Park, cans everyday I drank

Now I attack the dank like it’s the Bulge flank and I’m the Tiger Tank

I’m the type to leave the piebald, ride the Tiber with my ribald rhymers

Men with souls from olden time who aren’t yet old timers, nor social climbers

All of us diviners, divinely versed in mysterious adverbs, lurid verbs lured by turn

Incarnate in ink, incarnate inc is my main ting, side hustle as a princeling

Swears she celibate, telling her I’m an anchorite with my camera on 

Clearly outside, that kinda balls, veteran monk how I accrue habits

Like rabbits my fuckings, the windows were fogging like Titanic car knocking shop

Kate Winslet but I lose it and let slip about my weed crops in leixlip

Loose lips sink ships but I’m ready to swim like Tool’s Ænima gave me lessons

Buy a punk record first pressing for five hundred, sticker says pay no less than

70 pence for this music, no gods no idols, I don’t care either way on Bible

Money comes goes right away like those geese in Fly Away Home

Showering before I go out, wearing a yellow jumpsuit April O’Neill

April Showers and Bambi on stilts after his ma’s killed, no kneeling

Mance Rayder no breaking no bending northron steel, steal a peeler’s hat

Wink CCTV court then time on account of that, my accountant is fat

Since I started sending him lambfat, no VAT, new record tax bracket 

Snakefucking rat bastard, shadow master, part of Nixon’s spider cabinet

I’m so spiteful I’ll put cider and cyanide in your cabbage, no more salad days

The most feared salad maker, more bubbling potions most impotable Lucretia

Circe circa Odyssey mixing up the mixture that makes a myrmidon porcine

Record pristine now that I successfully stole your identity, need indeed

Great as the demon of greed, amount of weed in my sack no steed can bear

No interest in cars but can’t lack a cadillac, no crocodile tears in my sockets

Noughties toys how I bop it, in the car getting sloppy, hot as a tophet

Heard like a prophet, herds making profit, naughty toys on the bedside locker

Blood omen how I am a legacy of Cain, through my music night’s symphony conveyed

Shit had the best music on playstation, that shit was the best Castlevania

Back to later, black as a Transylvianian invader in bear make-up

Chained up, running make up, frothing hellhound bounding

I’m branding her with the whip, Brandon Lee bullet immunity try your clip

Get eclipsed, whipping her like a secret wall, gobble up that turkey and sword

Richter Belmont my whip skill, looks sore, man who swore to kill me took sudden illness

Today, sprayed Cottingley Faeries with raid much to Conan Doyle’s dismay

He wrote me into the next Sherlock case in a most cruel way

Referring to me as the Limpid Literator, wiping the slate clean of magic

I have a lot of sway like I’ve done a lot of K at a Villolobos rave

Bandolier stocked with bullets and grenades, bald like Sinéad

Moving fast like I’ve blasted nine eccies at Bloc weekend

These days, tending to grass like one of them from the pen

Lawnmower how I shorten the lawn, shorn lion Samson reborn

Comes back strong if you shave it, beard must be a hydra

Messiah how I stalk the waves, heard he must be an insider

Bet his family are connected, a nepo something, bohemian and feckless

I infect them with my intellectually offensive invective

Dealing psychic damage from the second I met them

Rambo with my jam-slathered ass jawbone, wet them

Like Christmas Eve, half past ten, list of ten names

From girlfriend to grandma with no idea what to get them

Buy myself a fist-sized gem just to let them know.